picklelicker129

New computer that doesn't suck! YAY!

Working on some art right now. Not promising that I'll be done anytime soon, but I'm really excited for this piece so I'm going rather quickly. Err... quick for Pickle standards.

But holy crap guys conventions. I am so excited for cosplaying this summer. SUPER EXCITEDKDNFKSDJDSFDSJFDSJF. Unfortunately, my plans for Metrocon are shaky and I'm not certain I will be able to go. But I am trying my hardest to get there. If I can't, then I will be going to Conneticon all alone instead. xD Plans thusfar (and for once I'm not procrastinating and I've actually started working on these haha):

Friday: A surprise w/
Saturday: Masked Marth from Fire Emblem: Awakening(does... does this count as crossplaying even if it's the same costume that Marth wears too? 0.0)
Sunday: Naoto from Persona 4(hopefully)

And for my Marth cosplay, I'm hoping to document my progress on my tumblr as I go, and in the end I'll have a nice little write-up with totals and stuff. Might be fun. ^_^

Welp looks like yet again I've told you guys I'd upload stuff and haven't, but this time I have an actual excuse! My computer is pretty much dead. I can do basic tasks, but the hardrive is corrupted and my laptop has a heating issue that's caused the motherboard solder to melt into a different place. Uploading files takes a really long time, but I can barely run SAI anymore, and that always worked decently. So I'm sorry for that. T_T

I did make an Anipan but I don't have anything on it for the same reason. I'm # 1599 ! Add me if you want, but stuff probably won't get posted until I get a better laptop.

I don't upload much but for some reason I hate having journals up for a long time. I'm weird like that. xD

Anyway, I have a ton of stuff to upload. Lots of clay things (not finished with the Okami Weps but there are a few waiting to be uploaded, I haven't forgotten my goal to make them all), older paper crafts, newer paper crafts that need pictures and some digital art (I'm feeling more optimistic about my art and I'm still working hard on it!). I'm just so lazy with uploading arghhh, it takes too much work. Writing descriptions is easy, I just hate dealing with images and files and folders. Cropping together pictures of 3-dimensional art makes me grate my teeth together, haha.

So expect stuff eventually, this is the summer. But don't count on it because I'm just super lazy, lol.

This new years I made a very cliche resolution- to draw more. Admittedly, we're already a third of the way through the year but I'm finally enforcing it.  In the last few years I've gone from drawing every week to drawing once a season(heck probably once a year). I know I make a lot of promises that I never keep, but this one is really important to me and I'm going to stick with it. Due to my IB schedule, I'm not promising lots of art, because that will never happen (and after the summer I assume that HL Math will become my new art T_T), but I will try my hardest to draw when I have the free time.

First off, why don't I draw anymore? The best I can say is anxiety. Exactly where it started I'm not sure, but my guess is that it has it's root in middle school around late 6th grade. I know that the support of the Katu anime art club was one of the major things that kept me going- drawing was more than a hobby, it was something that linked me with a ton of awesome people (BTW- we need to have a Katu reunion someday!). After Katu closed, I lost of the drive to continue because it wasn't as fun without friends. But I still loved drawing- I was always eager to grab the pencil and paper and just draw.

I guess my disdain for drawing started in early 7th grade. It was at that time when people really started to compete for high school apps and all that junk that colleges might like later on. A lot of emphasis was placed on outdoing someone else in pretty much every category- academics, athletics, popularity and of course, art. Now, I love competition. My friends know that I love to argue and debate for arguing's sake- my views change all the time and I'll play devil's advocate just to compete. I've never understood co-op in gaming and playing boardgames as a group effort to help someone win disgusts me(where's the fun/what's the point if we're not smashing each others faces into the ground as we tromp over their piece in Sorry or Monopoly?)

As it turns out, in drawing, I don't like competition. I always hated how teachers would consistently point out that one student who could "really" draw. Now, I was glad they had skill and definitely loved looking at their work, but I found it really dis-encouraging. My work wasn't good enough for recognition. It didn't matter that I was having fun and trying my hardest. I was simply meandering in a trade for those naturally more skilled than my own.

Even worse was that this negative mindset began to blend with my perfectionist issues. If I was going to draw, I'd have to do it perfectly to impress everyone. Art shifted from personal achievement to proving my skill. Unfortunately, I didn't think I had much to prove. And I didn't want to waste time on something less than perfect. I was actually fearing drawing. I didn't want to make a mistake, it would only show that I didn't have the skill. If I wasn't certain how to draw an unusual pose, I wouldn't because it would serve as a physical record that I wasn't good at art. Tiny flaws became gaping holes in my eye. I would compare my art to other's work, rather than my past pieces. It felt futile to even try.

Time passed and I started feeling ashamed with my lack of practice. My art was already bad enough and I hadn't worked on it in forever. I'd only disappoint my friends and seem like a fool for uploading my pathetic sketches. Not only was I bad at drawing, I was embarrassed by showing my efforts to other people. My lazy side began to create excuses for why my art was bad. "I don't have photoshop." "I don't have a tablet" "I'm too busy with school"

A few weeks ago I had the urge to draw. I put the paper in front of me and couldn't even get a pencil on it. I kid you not when I say I found every excuse possible to not draw and had a blank sheet when I went to bed. And that deeply concerned me. I've grown so close to this feeling of pointlessness and now I despise it.  

So it's gotten to that point. I have nothing to lose- I don't care if my art is bad. I'm going to make it better. I won't be ashamed if my stuff looks like a weeaboo's first attempt at anime. I'm going to draw more often and I'm going to improve.  Excuses are just words that get in the way. I love art and I want to stop fearing it. Someone will always be better than me, but I can try my best to catch up to them. *Insert more cliches here*

I doubt very few people will actually read through this wall of text, but I really appreciate those of you who did. I needed to get this off my chest. ^^
   

PS- Xenoblade Chronicles comes out tomorrow and I will be waiting eagerly in the morning at Gamestop! xD Apparently I was the only person to pre-order it, I really hope it sells well in other places, Op. Rainfall worked so hard!

At the time of this writing, it's 1:11 AM(I'm sure that writing and editing will take longer so don't get angry that the submission time doesn't match).

The TV, on a raised particle board platform to my right, is emitting a dullish gray light that extends only a few inches and casts no shadow. Ingrained in this tarp of melancholy is white electronic lettering, carefully written so as to express no emotion, no cordiallity, no respect.

Channel: 262

You are not currently subscribed to this channel. Please call a customer representative if you wish to upgrade your package and receive more of Verizon FIOS' plentiful options.

Of course, upgrading is not one of those "plentiful options." If it were that simple, I wouldn't mind throwing a few extra dollars into the white pre-labeled business envelope every month. I know that the channel has been removed, the one oasis in the mindless grime of regular TV now sunken into the rift to please the mindless remote wielding masses.

Goodbye FUNIMATION channel.

I will admit that you were not my favorite channel to watch, but you were the best of an abyssal lot, promising the outcasts of mainstream culture a safe haven. You were primarily fangirl based, had some rubbish dubs and rarely played anime that was actually popular in Japan. But you did a lot to please me and I won't say I'm not saddened by your passing. There were some rather entertaining shows that helped pass my time during lunch, or when I was too exhausted to move on friday evenings. The laughs brought on by Soul Eater, the tears spilled over Evangelion and the raw energy encouraged by Fairy Tail will never be forgotten. Your lesser shows such as Ouran High School Host Club, Dragonauts,  Baka and Test, Rideback and Galaxy Railways made excellent background noise for art sessions and get-togethers.

The slightly drenched Sunday morning when I turned on to channel 262 instead of channel 252 to escape from middle school woes was perhaps one of the more fateful days in my life, although I wouldn't classify Japanese animation as that important. After some odd commercials for As Seen On TV products like the "Leak Ender 2000" and "WOW Storage Container system," I was met with the voice of a college professor rambling on about the tapes and materials students utilized to study. A blue background with a late 60's style diagram of a hand rolling a cassette tape with a pencil blinked on the screen. I experienced a "Weekend Rewind" in which all anime played during the week would replay itself in episodic format. The visual experience was overwhelming, my younger self had rarely seen so much concentrated anime in a day, let alone a month.

FUNIMATION, I may not miss your services. But I will miss the one true thing you promised, a new generation of anime and manga fans, eager to explore better and more powerful titles from other companies. You were not the ultimate sunbeam of anime salvation, but the wind that pushed the clouds back to allow those of us unawakened to find our path to our own Otaku Nirvana.